Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Beach Goers beware

Me and my husband joke alot about my growing frame these days. In the beginning of my pregnancy it was quite annoying, but what else are you supposed to do but laugh at it? He is not mean or anything - it's just that I look very different and the change is rather remarkable.

Yesterday we decided to go to the beach. The Pacific Ocean has finally started to warm up and as I am sweating for Queen and country - I had been looking forward to a jump in the cool waves of southern California.

I have a new maternity bathing suit that I finally got to put on. The back is open and has an expandable strap across the back to accommodate the belly. The top part is halterneck style, orange and white in a checkered pattern, and the body part is navy blue. It looks designed and manufactured in 1972. To me, it is SUPER cute. Very Charlie's Angels.

I put it on and stood in front of the mirror admiring the spectacle. My belly is so big, it is pulling down the suit making my boobs granny like. My thighs are pale and have stretch marks. My tattoo on my left lower hip is sticking out, stretched out like a cruel reminder of my tan triathlon days. I have a farmers tan where my arms look split in two, the lower part dipped in red paint and then sawed together with the upper part again. It really doesn't even look like my body anymore - it just looks like my head is photo shopped on something alien and strange.

I walked into my husbands bathroom where he was standing shaving and putting on his SPF. He gave me a long look up and down. Then he said something I will never, ever forget - with a straight face and dead serious:

"If you weren't pregnant, you'd be Benny Hill"

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