Nesting

I am building a nest with leaves and branches for my offspring. I'm collecting cotton balls and tissue paper so it will be warm, cozy and safe for my chick. I keep a close watch on my nests surroundings, making sure no bad guys or sharp edges can come close. I built a lair that fosters development and growth. A refuge in a prepared position.

That and I bought this car seat and painted the changing table.

Being a big baby

Yesterday I had another one of those breakdowns where you're not really sure what's wrong, it just is.

The whole day was crap. I am growing out of my maternity clothes, so picking an outfit for work became a huge anxiety party. Because my outfit looked so bad, I didn't bother to really do my hair or make up. I went to work basically feeling like I was transparent, which I know I'm not since I've gained more than 40 pounds.

At work, everything just went further south. I took vacation on Friday and Monday, and the folks that were supposed to cover for me all somehow fell through, but they all sent messages about it when I had already left work on Friday which resulted in over 100 emails in my inbox unattended..Weird.

Then when I got home I was really looking forward to my water workout class so that I could get some relief for my back - but after I got in the car to go pick up my husband, I started feeling nauseous. When my husband got in the car and asked me about my day, all channels opened up. I just cried and cried and cried. But I couldn't explain why.

So he handled the situation which is why he really is the best husband a girl can ask for. He took me home. He helped me change into my pyjamas. He gave me my book. He went and bought me lemonade. And then he sat with me and we talked about everything that worries me, one at a time..which ranged from car seats to that I want to make a big batch of chili so I don't have to cook when the baby comes. And then I fell asleep and slept for 12 hours.

Am I a wreck for feeling this way? Can I have a baby if I am a big baby myself? Maybe my husband will be a better mama than I will? Or maybe, just maybe - the hormones are overflowing?

The perils of homebirthing

Saw this on the news this morning..I loved Rikki Lakes documentary "The business of being born" and I pass no judgement on the couples who choose to give birth at home. But in this particular case, wouldn't you think that the midwife should have called a hospital after 4 days of labor? Heartbreaking, just heartbreaking.

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/26184891/vp/32795933#32795933

Some things...

you just want to figure out for yourself.

I don't know if everyone understands that. I know I am supposed to be grateful for every tip I get regarding the baby, because I know that people have the best of intentions and only want what is best for you. Mommies who have already been through birthing have the experience, I get it. And they are probably right 99% of the time.

But maybe some mommies forget what it was like this close to the due date. How much time you spend reading books, browsing the Internet, watching the freak birthing shows on Discovery and listening to peoples advice. How scared you are in your anticipation of your little one's arrival. Scared that you won't do things right. That you'll drop the baby while bathing it or not feeding it enough or not playing with it enough or...or...

I read in a book last night that the most important part of becoming a parent is getting to know your baby. A baby is just like you and me, we have our own personality and our own quirks that we are born with. We are fussy, mellow, easy going, high maintenance and so on. So really, how can you already know what my baby needs and doesn't when even I haven't met her yet?

It's hard to ignore them, because you are already on the edge, with a huge ass and an equally large back ache. All I really want to do is scream at the top off my lungs "BACK THE F*** OFF".

But of course you can't to that. You just accept that that is how some people are and hopefully you have a friend to vent to. That is what happened to me this morning... and here is the reply she sent me.

"It's OK honey I understand. You should take a day off relax and grow that baby. Don't worry about anything because it will all be fine. The baby is not going to be an albino she is going to be beautiful and even if she does look like Tom's ugliest little cousin we will still love her. There is nothing to be scared of and stop reading all those damn books "

What a terrible place this world would be without friends.

Today it hit me

What if there is a minor difference between my kid and others? Not a huge one that would consume hers and ours existence with it's trials and heartbreaks like MS at the age of 10 or blindness, but rather a small one, one that won't inhibit her from doing everything that she wants and deserves - yet something about her that will make people treat her just a little bit different or look at her that extra time or worse - look away? Like albinism?

I can't stop thinking about it.  

30 weeks (31+4)